In an odd turn of events Wednesday, GC president Ted Wilson issued a public apology for "trying to tell people what they have to believe in order to be Seventh-Day Adventists." Wilson went on to say, "I realized that it's not my job to dictate people's conscience, and that I do not personally own the Adventist church."
This statement comes after some people have said they feel hurt and marginalized by the church's reiteration of doctrines related to creation, homosexuality, and the investigative judgment. "You know, the church is made up of all of us individuals," said Marcia Cukenburgh, secretary for the human resources department of one of our universities. "When individuals change or broaden their views, the church does, too."
"I was tired of people judging my nose ring," said Marcia's sister Rachel Snively, in a statement no one really cares about. She also said her aunt's second cousin once removed who was kicked off the Sabbath School committee at her church when they discovered her best friend ate skittles (they have gelatin).
Ted Wilson, the 20th president of the Seventh-Day Adventist General Conference, has been criticized by many progressive members for his traditional Adventist standards and his emphasis on scripture and the writings of prophetess Ellen G. White. His stand against women's ordination has angered some people, while others have been perplexed to see his wife, who is suspected of wearing makeup and dying her hair, speaking by his side in public. Her lack of a wedding ring makes some feel "edgy" about the potential for legalism. Wilson has also been criticized for not having eyebrows.
The President's apology comes, not as a result of heavy criticism he has fielded, but after a vision, he claims, in which he was visited by Jesus and Ellen White. "[Sister White] shook her fist at me and said, 'If I have the right to be a prophetess, every woman should have the right to be a pastor,'" Wilson related. Then the two beings sat down and talked to him about polishing up his public image. "It's all about people," Jesus reportedly said before disappearing, "people are always more important than standards."
Just before his public appearance, Wilson met with the GC committee to discuss some of the changes that would be taking place. "We've decided this new face of the church would be better represented simply by the name 'Adventist Interfaith Network," he stated, "because the name 'Seventh-Millenial-Day-LGBTQH Spiritual Adventist Universalists' seemed just a bit cumbersome." The committee also discussed "Interfaith Network of Adventist Neutral Eclectics" but some members objected to the acronym.
There will also be a committee working on a set of books outlining the new 286 fundamental beliefs of the new Adventist Network (nAN or nAIN), including variations of each: for example The Seventh Day Sabbath, The Seventh Millennium Sabbath, the Lunar Sabbath, and the Jesus-is-our-Sabbath.
"We just want everyone to feel welcome," said Brother Wilson, spreading his arms and smiling warmly, "Just because the church is a hospital doesn't mean there's only one way to healing. In fact, even people who are perfect just the way they are should feel welcome." One unforeseen benefit of this broadening of the church's belief spectrum is that it now encompasses such a wide array of convictions that it all but eliminates the need to evangelize the world. "If we had only known the gospel commission would be this easy to fulfill," says world church secretary and missions advocate G. T. Ng with delight, "We would have done this a long time ago!"
Wilson is encouraging nAIN churches to try to accommodate several different worship experiences on different days of the week. "Churches that are able should even offer special interest groups on Saturday mornings for individuals who no longer believe in any of the church doctrines or even God, but who still identify themselves with SDA culture," Wilson encouraged, "they can come together in a Sabbath-school-type setting and discuss, say, photography or gluten-free cooking, then enjoy a fellowship dinner and a hike afterwards."
Kosher gummy-bears could be provided for the children's divisions. "What they hay," Wilson shrugged, "serve the real ones if you want!" He was given a standing ovation.
Though many received President Ted Wilson's statements with applause, not everyone is convinced. Devin Shiznitzin, a recent graduate of La Sierra University shakes his head and inadvertently expresses the sentiments of many when he says, "I still want to punch him in the nose." Wilson is considering other options for improving public relations, such as hosting a wine-tasting event or leading the conference leadership in a year of feast-day keeping.
This article is purely satire and any resemblance to real events should be considered purely coincidental.
"I was tired of people judging my nose ring," said Marcia's sister Rachel Snively, in a statement no one really cares about. She also said her aunt's second cousin once removed who was kicked off the Sabbath School committee at her church when they discovered her best friend ate skittles (they have gelatin).
Ted Wilson, the 20th president of the Seventh-Day Adventist General Conference, has been criticized by many progressive members for his traditional Adventist standards and his emphasis on scripture and the writings of prophetess Ellen G. White. His stand against women's ordination has angered some people, while others have been perplexed to see his wife, who is suspected of wearing makeup and dying her hair, speaking by his side in public. Her lack of a wedding ring makes some feel "edgy" about the potential for legalism. Wilson has also been criticized for not having eyebrows.
The President's apology comes, not as a result of heavy criticism he has fielded, but after a vision, he claims, in which he was visited by Jesus and Ellen White. "[Sister White] shook her fist at me and said, 'If I have the right to be a prophetess, every woman should have the right to be a pastor,'" Wilson related. Then the two beings sat down and talked to him about polishing up his public image. "It's all about people," Jesus reportedly said before disappearing, "people are always more important than standards."
Just before his public appearance, Wilson met with the GC committee to discuss some of the changes that would be taking place. "We've decided this new face of the church would be better represented simply by the name 'Adventist Interfaith Network," he stated, "because the name 'Seventh-Millenial-Day-LGBTQH Spiritual Adventist Universalists' seemed just a bit cumbersome." The committee also discussed "Interfaith Network of Adventist Neutral Eclectics" but some members objected to the acronym.
There will also be a committee working on a set of books outlining the new 286 fundamental beliefs of the new Adventist Network (nAN or nAIN), including variations of each: for example The Seventh Day Sabbath, The Seventh Millennium Sabbath, the Lunar Sabbath, and the Jesus-is-our-Sabbath.
"We just want everyone to feel welcome," said Brother Wilson, spreading his arms and smiling warmly, "Just because the church is a hospital doesn't mean there's only one way to healing. In fact, even people who are perfect just the way they are should feel welcome." One unforeseen benefit of this broadening of the church's belief spectrum is that it now encompasses such a wide array of convictions that it all but eliminates the need to evangelize the world. "If we had only known the gospel commission would be this easy to fulfill," says world church secretary and missions advocate G. T. Ng with delight, "We would have done this a long time ago!"
Wilson is encouraging nAIN churches to try to accommodate several different worship experiences on different days of the week. "Churches that are able should even offer special interest groups on Saturday mornings for individuals who no longer believe in any of the church doctrines or even God, but who still identify themselves with SDA culture," Wilson encouraged, "they can come together in a Sabbath-school-type setting and discuss, say, photography or gluten-free cooking, then enjoy a fellowship dinner and a hike afterwards."
Kosher gummy-bears could be provided for the children's divisions. "What they hay," Wilson shrugged, "serve the real ones if you want!" He was given a standing ovation.
Though many received President Ted Wilson's statements with applause, not everyone is convinced. Devin Shiznitzin, a recent graduate of La Sierra University shakes his head and inadvertently expresses the sentiments of many when he says, "I still want to punch him in the nose." Wilson is considering other options for improving public relations, such as hosting a wine-tasting event or leading the conference leadership in a year of feast-day keeping.
This article is purely satire and any resemblance to real events should be considered purely coincidental.